I wasn’t sure what to say today, then I realised something. It is the turn of someone else.My son is almost 23 months old. He is at the beginnings of putting words together to form small sentences. Soon he will improve on that and say longer sentences but still not be old enough to understand all the daft social rules we have invented. In short, he will likely say some blunt, or to the point things. Things that most of us probably want to say, but social etiquette prevents us. Here are 10 things I’m looking forward to him being able to say. I’ve given each an “it should be said rating” (ISBS) out of a possible 10, with 10 being the it really ought to be said mark.
- “That baby is ugly” – Babies are cute aren’t they? Yeah right, some have a face only a mother could love. It’s not the babe’s fault of course, so we don’t say things like “Your baby sure looks funny”, but on occasion wouldn’t it be nice if…
- ISBS rating: 3/10. It might need saying to the parents, but the baby needs a chance in life, so best give it one.
- “Why does that lady smell of soap” – Sometimes old ladies need telling that just because they cannot smell it, doesn’t mean we cannot.
- ISBS rating: 7/10. Not all who smell of soap need telling. Especially the kind ones.
- Why does that man smell of wee?” – Excusing the homeless here, and people with a disability, but other ones. C’mon man, what is going on? Take a wash or something.
- ISBS rating: 10/10. Unless we’re living in an apocalypse scenario, there is no need for it.
- I think that man just farted – Some people let out sneaky ones. Some people need to know that we know about it.
- ISBS rating: 10/10. Excusing the places where there actually is a strange smell, but first thought is someone left it there, this pretty much needs to be said.
- “That car looks nice” – (To a car with painted flames, the equivalent of the old painted “go faster” stripes). You realise these things don’t make the car go faster right? Also real flames on a car would be dangerous.
- ISBS rating: 6/10. They might look silly to the likes of me, but that is just my tastes. They do look cool right? Er, maybe I should bump the rating up.
- “The Wheel of Fortune is great” – Actually my boy really likes this show. It is perfect-ish for someone his age. There are flashing lights, noises, cheering and clapping, letters he can call out. It’s an interactive show for him
- ISBS Rating: 2/10. The show is passing entertainment for a sane adult. How it has been on over 30 years is anyones guess.
- “Why can’t we have chocolate for dinner?” – Actually wifey, who will likely read this, why can’t we have chocolate for dinner?
- ISBS rating: 3/10. Wifey will say, what is wrong with my cooking, which of course, is nothing dear.
- Why does that man have a handbag? – Because it’s a woman.
- ISBS rating: 5/10. I’m going to be generous and say that it is often not the poor lady’s fault that she doth look like a man. But not all the time. Sometimes it needs to be said.
- Why don’t that ladies trousers fit? – You know the thing, big lady, tight leggings, and um, good question?
- ISBS rating: 10/10. Generally speaking, people have a choice in the wardrobe department. A bad choice, is a bad choice.
- Why is that person pushing a cart (shopping trolley) when he / she is not at the shop? – Well I suppose that is a serious question if a homeless person, or a quite valid question of a different kind, if it is a moron pushing a cart home with his / her shopping in it. Some people…
- ISBS rating: 8/10. We’ll forgive the homeless situation, but the others? These carts aren’t made for you to just take you know. I don’t care if you cannot carry your bl**dy bags home. Tough luck, find a different way, and stop littering our streets.
Lexicon word of the day: forswear.